How to host the perfect kids birthday party…

Over the weekend I hosted my very first kids birthday party, and it was a complete success! So I thought I would share my step-by-step instructions on how to host the perfect kids party.

STEP ONE: Choose a date that will most likely coincide with an extreme weather event. Like in our case, it was an unprecedented heat wave. But you might prefer flash flooding or a cyclone. It keeps things interesting for guests.

STEP TWO: Leave it until the last minute to buy decorations, and in a frenzied manner, run into Kmart screaming like a woman whose just seen Jason Momoa on a beach with his shirt off.

STEP THREE: Buy oddly coloured, highly toxic $1 balloons & streamers. Match these with environmentally un-friendly utensils & plates. Guests will be in awe of your creativity. Also consider that discounted salafane number balloon that requires a helium machine to inflate… which you do not have.

STEP FOUR: Order a nibble platter from Woolies, buy pre-made salads, get your best friend to make a cob loaf, and have hubby cook the BBQ. Not only does this leave more time for drinking wine, it also highlights your ability to delegate tasks.

STEP FIVE: Send your husband or partner to set up the venue a few hours before the party commences. This will demonstrate their ability to complete simple tasks whilst drinking copious amounts of beer.

STEP SIX: Smother your child in 50+ sunscreen but forget to do yourself. Because beetroot shoulders and thick bra-strap tan lines screams style and sophistication.

STEP SEVEN: Wear mascara and nothing else! Mascara will hide the fact you have aged dramatically over the past 12 months and will let your guests know that you have completely given up on your appearance.

STEP EIGHT: Serve delectable entrees which highlight your compentcy in the kitchen. These might include cheezles, half frozen party pies and doritos with salsa. If you are feeling especially confident, maybe even try the always popular jatz with cheddar cheese. Always a winner in our household!

STEP NINE: Always provide your guests with appropriate background music. In our case it was a “best of the 90’s” spotify playlist. Nothing screams class like Alannis Morrisett at max volume on a JBL speaker.

STEP TEN: Have an appropriate amount of cheap champagne in the esky, but completely forget water for the under-aged guests. This will illustrate how becoming a mother has really changed your priorities in life.

STEP ELEVEN: Invest in an epic, over the top cake, and tell everyone you spent all night baking it. Classic move.

and finally STEP TWELVE: Once the party is over and the guests have left, pay your teenage nephew $10 to clean up whilst you sit back and finish the cheap champagne. Delegation is the key to success!

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